Monday, April 2, 2007

Whew! Much Better

So...I had a great trip...details will come later, but I had some much needed time to get away and think. Here's what I came up with:

I don't care anymore. I know it sounds harsh, but I don't care about that either. I learned that I have some very codependent qualities and I realized how it was affecting me. I've spent the last freaking month stressing myself out over the possibility that we hurt someone. Here's the problem with that: the so-called "hurt" party never ever even gave us one little indication that we did something hurtful. It was all hearsay. I've been going out of my way, doing everything I can possibly do, to try to fix it. I decided that I just don't care anymore. I can't care anymore. I hate drama and I hate the fact that I was brought into it.

I'm not in high school and I don't have time for drama in my life. It's amazing how the enemy will weasel his way into something good and try to screw it all up. I just can't worry about this mess anymore. I've done all I can do. I've prayed about it and I'm not even bitter. Even the messenger (mentioned in the last post) doesn't bother me anymore. I just don't care. If the messenger wants to be messy, the messenger can live a messy life. I'm not going to. I'm too blessed and too happy to let something this retarded keep me up at night. I've been going to the freaking bathroom at work crying in the freaking stalls because the messenger is "so concerned" that we MIGHT have a real problem here.

I don't care anymore. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel so much better now. I don't even know how to explain it. I don't even feel like I need to confront the messenger. I can only explain the situation so many times. I really have done all I can do and if that isn't enough, I don't really care about that either. God knows my heart and my intentions. My duty is not to fix the drama that others have started in my life; my God-given duty is to be a Godly wife, mother, friend, and example. So, those are the things that are important to me. There is no room for drama in any of that. I can't be there for my family (immediate or extended) if I'm depressed and worried about something that might not even be true.

So, if this worries you, bothers you, or offends you, keep in mind that I've been too freaking concerned about what others think about me. I can't do it anymore. Thanks for listening. I'm posting this on my other blog too (so no one will miss it, not that I care about that either.).
I love my husband, my Bear, and my life. My God is so good to me and this whole revelation is just another example of the peace that surpasses all understanding. I'm very thankful for that.


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