Sunday, June 6, 2010

Where Joy and Sorrow Meet (What I've been trying to say)

I bought the performance track for the song "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" more than six months ago. When I buy performance tracks online, I usually only get a 30 seconds demo of the song, so many times I'm not sure what song I'm getting until the download is finished. I just figured I could work toward learning it and several other new songs and get them all ready over time.

We found out we were expecting again the week before Easter. Deep down, I knew it would be best to wait several weeks before telling anyone, but James and I were so excited. There I was only five weeks along and we started announcing our good news. We were already planning names and picking nursery colors. Don't get me wrong, the whirlwind of Matthew's birth was in the back of my mind. Because of Matthew being born spontaneously at 28 weeks, I will forever be a high-risk OB patient. That does tend to make it a little different than your typical, happy-go-lucky pregnancy, but we were excited nonetheless.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not a needy patient, but we noticed a few things to be concerned about during my seventh week and decided a midnight trip to the ER was needed. After several tests that lasted well into the morning, I was diagnosed with threatened miscarriage, basically meaning that my chances of miscarrying were greater than most. We kept going and smiling though as we made our way into the follow-up appointments. I had a total of four ultrasounds in between my seventh and twelfth week and they just never saw a baby forming. Everything had set up the way it was supposed to, but there just wasn't a baby (referred to as blighted ovum in the medical world).

I knew miscarriage was coming and I had prepared myself as much as I could emotionally. As prepared as I was, it was really was a flood of emotions for me. It started up the night before Mother's Day. I can remember James and Matthew giving me their Mother's Day cards and gift that night as I was struggling to hold it together. Finally, I got alone, got my Bible, and asked God show me what He wanted me to hear. I turned to Psalms 30 and began to read the passage I've read and sang many times. Verse 5 was what really echoed in my heart though: "Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." What a word! It was exactly what I needed at that moment in my life. It was (and is) okay for me to feel sadness; that didn't (and doesn't) mean I am any less grateful for this amazing life He has given me, for His mercy, His provision, His strength, His guidance, my amazing husband, our Matthew, who truly is a gift from Him ...I could go on and on. It took me a while to feel like I had permission to grieve, but He said it was okay.

You know, the last part of that verse is my favorite though: JOY COMES IN THE MORNING! I'm okay; that doesn't mean I don't have moments that are tougher than others. In fact, even as I'm writing this, I realize this experience is more raw than I thought. It's not always easy, but it's okay. I'm so blessed; I say it all the time, but I'm the most blessed (and undeserving) person I know. As much as James and I would like to add to our family, it's okay if we don't. Matthew is more amazing each day; my love for him is more than I can even comprehend. We are so blessed that God gave him to us; trusted us to raise him up. The older Matthew gets, the more honored and humbled I am that God would use James and me to guide his life and help him become the man God desires him to be.

So, here I am at the place where joy and sorrow meet. I'm singing it tonight and the words are more real to me now than I ever dreamed. It's not just another song to me anymore. Here are two of the verses from the song by David J. White:

"There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet..."

"There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation, there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet."

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